I've been thinking about resolutions.

I know, I know. Duh.

To be honest, I haven't done traditional "resolutions" in a long time. Years ago, I figured out that resolutions—setting goals, meeting goals, and not meeting goals—were causing more stress and disappointment than motivation. I can be really hard on myself, and resolutions became another avenue for me to indulge that bad habit.

So one year, I decided to switch things up. I decided to start choosing a single word to set the tone for the coming year. No goals attached, just a personal affirmation to reflect upon.

In 2018, my word was FEARLESS. I wanted to live more freely, beyond the fears that were holding me back (*cough* still relevant *cough*). I didn’t face any massive fears in 2018, but I DID do a lot of big life things: 2018 was the year I got married, the year I went on a month-long honeymoon, the year I accepted a job as a horse caretaker and we moved from the city back to the country outside our hometown. Big changes, for sure. I didn’t feel frightened of them—I felt excited.

In 2019, I chose the word EXUBERANCE, in part because of its lovely etymology: ex (thoroughly) + uberare (be fruitful). To grow luxuriantly. I’m not going to lie, 2019 was also a really tough year. It was also a year of immense growth and fruitfulness. I didn’t always feel luxurious or enthusiastic about that growth—truthfully, I’ve spent much of this year feeling tired. Spread thin. Stressed. And the big kicker: not good enough.

Remember when I mentioned my bad habit of being hard on myself?

This year has been a banner year of being hard on myself. My debut novel, The Ingredients of Us, released in July and I spent the entire first half of 2019 feeling like wasn’t doing ENOUGH to push for pre-sales. And then the book dropped and I felt like wasn’t doing ENOUGH to help my little book launch into the world. I was hard on myself this year because I care deeply about my career. I want it. I work hard. I work too hard.

Then I swam with whales in September. The culmination of YEARS worth of dreaming, saving, and sobbing over photos of humpbacks on Instagram. I’m still processing this profound experience, and expect to write more around the subject as my thoughts settle and congeal…but there’s this: one of the most powerful things I learned about myself on that trip is that I swim faster—with more strength, confidence, and speed—when I CALM DOWN. When I relax.

There were moments out in the ocean—six-foot swells, thousand-foot-deep water, hundreds of feet away from the boat—when I’d PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH and get nowhere. It was when I relaxed, trusted my own strength, and BREATHED that I was able to swim with confidence.

In 2019, I spent so many months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds PUSHING and exhausting myself. This fall, I’ve been reflecting on what I learned out in the open water off Tahiti and thinking about slowing down. Not stopping or relinquishing my personal goals—just learning how to breathe more deeply, listen to my body, rest, trust, and not be so damn hard on myself.

So for 2020, I want to continue that process of becoming more gentle with myself.

What’s a good word for this process of not stopping, but not pushing so hard? I thought about choosing RELAX (as in: slowing down). Or maybe TRUST (as in: believing in myself). Or JOY—because that’s what relaxing is about, right? Finding joy in just BEING?

I’m quite the word-lover, but I can’t decide. (If you’ve ever gone with me to get ice cream, you’d know I’m VERY indecisive).

I’d love your opinion. What word would you choose if you were me? And if you chose a word for yourself, let me know! Respond to my email with your thoughts—I love hearing from you.